(Photo by Michael M. Santiago/Getty Images)
Donald Trump always tells us that, if only he had been in charge, nothing bad would have happened in the past. If only Trump had been president between 2021 and 2024, Putin would not have invaded Ukraine. If only Trump had been president, Hamas would never have attacked Israel.
This got me to thinking: Suppose we asked Trump what would have happened if only he’d been in charge between 2017 and 2021.
Maybe Trump would say something like this:
We have a great crowd here tonight. This crowd is much bigger than the other guy’s crowd, which is small. Very small. Maybe the smallest. Fictitious, in fact; they used artificial intelligence to make it look like there was a crowd there. The place was empty. Nobody showed up.
But I have a big crowd here tonight. And I have a right to make personal attacks on the other guy. That former president attacked me personally! He said nasty things about me. And that guy’s stupid. Very stupid. Not like me. I have an uncle who taught at MIT. I have a big brain. I’ll use that big brain to come up with a nickname for the former guy. What do you think? Dopey Donald? Deranged Donald? Dictatorial Donald?
When Dopey Donald was president, we had riots in the streets! Can you believe it? Do you remember it? Some cops — I back the blue, great people — killed a Black guy. They strangled him. Maybe the dead guy was a good guy. Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he deserved to be strangled. There’s all kinds of Black guys.
Anyway, the riots! People said that “Black Lives Matter.” So what? That doesn’t justify smashing windows and setting fire to police stations. Dopey Donald was weak. So weak. Now he wants to blame the riots on other people — mayors, governors, anybody else. That’s silly. He was the president! He was in charge. If he wanted to stop the riots, he could have. He could have told the governor to get tough. Call in the National Guard. The president can call in the military in an emergency. What could be more of an emergency than people rioting in Democrat cities? A few tanks running down Nicollet Mall in Minneapolis and Southwest Fifth Avenue in Portland would have stopped those criminals. But the president was too weak. The president couldn’t protect you. Especially from urban people. Who riot.
Talk about riots! There was another riot at the Capitol Building in Washington, D.C. If I had been president on January 6, it never would have happened! Never. Trust me.
I’m too tough. The other guy was weak. Nobody would have dared to attack the Capitol Building if I’d been president. Can you imagine it? Attacking the Capitol, knowing that I was the president and just down the street? They wouldn’t have dared!
I would have known there was a riot being planned. It was obvious weeks in advance. I would have called out the police. We would have kept the thugs under control. If the thugs tried to break into the Capitol — and they never would have, if I’d been president — we would’ve called out the National Guard and started shooting rioters in the legs.
Attacking the Capitol Building! That’s treason. Do you know what the punishment for treason used to be?
But the guy who was president on January 6 — how weak. He just stood there for hours and let them ransack the buildings. They smashed the doors. Broke the windows. Crapped all over the floors. People died. Can you imagine that? How could the president ever have let that happen? Such a weak guy.
Terrible things happened while that other guy was president. Terrible.
The China virus! Can you believe it?
If I’d been president at the time, we would have built a great disease surveillance system. “Surveillance.” Nobody ever used that word before. I just made it up. It’s a great word.
Anyway, I would have built the best disease surveillance system that ever existed. The best. We would have known that China was planning to attack us with a virus. We would have caught the first diseased guy — probably a Chinese guy — at the border and put him in quarantine. That would have been the end of it. No disease! Not a single person would have died of COVID if I’d been president.
Instead, 400,000 people died of COVID while that idiot was president. And hundreds of thousands more died on Biden’s watch. Biden’s no good either.
What a fool. A fool. We can’t take four more years of that. You won’t have a country left.
Wouldn’t have happened if I’d been president.
No deaths. None. I would have stopped it.
In fact, I alone could stop it.
So vote for me.
Make America Great Again!
Mark Herrmann spent 17 years as a partner at a leading international law firm and is now deputy general counsel at a large international company. He is the author of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Drug and Device Product Liability Litigation Strategy (affiliate links). You can reach him by email at [email protected].
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